TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically known for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully away from position. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A further area where American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should quit applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Place, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Attributes


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have transform-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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